Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

The actual Easter card I received from my parents this year was refreshingly simple and surprisingly non-religious. What was inside is another story, but I'll get to that in a bit. Thankfully, the days where I'm bombarded with letters/notes/cards, on about a monthly basis, packed full of constant reminders of how sinful I am are long behind me. Still, holiday cards are almost always an excuse to 'remind me of my roots' - you know, because I'm likely to forget 18 years of emotional abuse via fundamental Christianity now that I live nearly 200 miles away from it. Never-mind the 'godly-residue' that still lingers in the crevices of my brain that I just can't seem to reach enough to scrub clean! ^_-

For the sake of optimism, I must emphasize that these little attempts to remind are are far better than those old 'wall-of-death' style paragraphs about how nothing good can come from such a sinful path as mine but that when I'm ready to repent, I'd will be welcomed back with open arms. (do you feel the love? I do!) Yes, I was even referred to as the 'prodigal daughter' for that ordeal. ^_^

I suppose I can tolerate being subtly poked with 'creationism', as the 'surprise' in my Easter card was (are ya ready for this?!) a map of the Creation Museum my parents had traveled over 500 miles to visit at some point last week. A map, I suppose, to show how wonderful and respected the place was (in past e-mails, as this museum trip had been mentioned to some degree in each of the 7 most recent messages, it was especially emphasized how this place was 'growing' and at such an alarming rate) and a business card containing the link to 'Answers in Genesis', I guess to show me (or remind me, rather) just how 'factual' the concept of creationism 'really is'. (Ugh, certain 'chick tracks' we used to have lying around the house come to mind ...)

Oh, how I have certainly not forgotten! (I wish I were that lucky!) In fact, even as I'd left Christianity years ago, I've only just begun to learn the very basics of evolution. (Special thanks to Jerry Coyne and the analyst for suggesting him!) Having been home-schooled for all of high-school, I'd never been exposed to the theory. All I 'knew' was that it was 'silly', 'evil', and of course, 'completely false'. In fact, I can even remember being a child of 7 or so, watching a science channel on tv with my father. Whenever they would mention the earth being millions of years old, he'd yell 'faaaaaaalse!" loudly at the television in the silly voice he always used when making fun of evolutionists. This eventually became my own reflex as well, as I looked up to him very much.

When I was quite a bit older and dating my 'unchurched' boyfriend of the time, my dad had him watch a sickening evolutionist/creationist debate (Moody Science Films) with us, where the evolutionist was made to be a complete dumbass against the star creationist, who was a little too good to be true, to put it mildly. If only I could re-watch that video now (not really), it'd surely irk me more, being a bit more knowledgeable of the subject. Still, even as a sheltered 16-year-old, I could easily spot the 'unfairness' of the situation, as well as sense that some things were a bit 'off' even if I couldn't quite put my finger on them. Of course I denied it at the time, but it's nice to know that my BS detector was at least doing its job!

For now, I choose to ignore any comments from my parents about creation/evolution. We are only in contact via e-mail, so it's not terribly difficult to respond only to the parts I feel like responding to while simply ignoring the absurd. It's not really a subject I am ready to confront them on anyway. People only resist facts so strongly in favor of bullshit when they have a strong reason to - even if it's an awful reason like the fear of reality. I don't intend to change their minds, partly because I don't think I ever could. Every time they nudge me with their delusional worldview, I recall many things: the stupid christian science films, the chick tracks, e.e. (evangelism explosion), bible camp, and other various headaches from my past. Most importantly though, I am reminded of my decision to leave and am thankful for the freedom I now have to explore this intriguing world without fear.

I do just wish, however, that the money going into this museum's life-size replica of Noah's Ark could go to something a little more important ... or at the very least, something less insane!

Jesus Loves Bukake!

I may have kicked Jesus out of my soul (Okay, maybe not kicked, exactly ... fear of change kept me pretty gentle and patient for that ordeal! ^_-) but the holy spirit can come on me any time he likes. Sadly, I doubt he ever will - I'm not exactly the type of gal he'd want to give a facial to. While I do have a submissive streak about me, it's not prominent enough to satisfy his bukake cravings. Nah, I think I'm more the type he likes to 'watch'!

In all seriousness (sort of), even back when Jesus was my personal soul-dweller, I never felt his power deep within. I had faith that it was pure truth even when some things didn't make sense, but I could never get to quite the level of many of my friends, some of whom would practically cream their panties over the power of his love. Why them and not I? Some say it's because I was never truly saved, which is apparently the only way to explain my leaving the light ("once saved, always saved", they say!) It's what they have to believe, I guess, in order to justify their precious bullshit: "If it didn't fulfill her too, it must not be for everyone. WAIT NO, SCARY EASTERN PHILOSOPHY, LALALA, THAT CAN'T BE IT!" *ahem* but that's a rant for another day!

Anyway, I was sure there must be something wrong with me, that I wasn't a good enough Christian, perhaps. Was I not praying enough? Was I masturbating too much!? Fellow Christians certainly never said anything to deter me from such a degrading line of thought. I was never good enough. No one was though - it's just that they were more okay with that idea than I ever was. I did accept it for sure, but in me it set off the bullshit alarm that I'd always ignored, fearing that such an exploration would lead me astray (which it did indeed, and thankfully so)!

It didn't even cross my mind, at the time, that maybe I was simply less emotional than some of my friends. I was also more inquisitive, which is a trait I have come to respect, both in myself and in others. Unfortunately, back then it served only as another guilt trigger - what a shame! If I decide to put my baby maker to use one day, I will be sure to help nourish such wonderful traits in my own children - there's certainly no shame in wanting to make sense of your world!

I came alive the day that I left God and all of his baggage behind. I thrive on the freedom to explore my own thoughts rather than ignore or hide from them, and I am more than okay with that now. While I know the Jesus juice can be a powerful drug for some, I'd rather live life sober. A little blasphemy is a nice high to spice things up now and again, but where it counts, knowledge is power!

Come to think of it, maybe there is some Jesus bukake in my future. I'd resist of course, so it'd have to be bondage style, yeaaa that would teach me! hmm ... sounds more like a job for his dad ... :)

The Transition: Part 1

I can split into three phases, my gradual transition into agnosticism/atheism. For this post, I will be focusing on the first phase, which was liberal Christianity. In Liberal Christianity, I had decided that the angry Christians (those that focused more on sin, judging others, and seemed to have a fetish for the Old Testament) were going about it wrong, but that the message Jesus brought to the world was beautiful and real. In this phase, I sought connections with loving Christians; those whose personalities mirrored my idea of who Jesus was.

One Christian in particular was there for me when the angry Christians really had me down (I'll get to her in a moment). With them, emphasis was always on my sin. I was a terrible witness for living with my boyfriend, as new believers could become confused by this, thinking premarital sex was okay. Next thing I know, it is thoroughly assumed that I am indeed having sex (which I eventually chose to do, but was not in the midst of all the assumptions) According to my highly respected uncle, a 70-something "graduate of Bible college who had been preaching for 40 years, many more years of experience than I had", God was probably going to give me cervical cancer for my sexual immorality. I might also die young for having dishonored my parents (it's all in the book).

Did anyone care that I was in a beautiful relationship with a man that I loved with all of my heart? Did anyone care that in spite of his depressing childhood, he came out strong, sane, and caring? Did anyone even care to get to know him? No - apparently, his background was more important than all of that. He was 'unchurched' (I don't even know if that's a word) and his family didn't have a lot of money. Even when he showed interest in being born again, he still was not accepted by these types. My mother had her eyes set on pastor's sons and missionaries. This guy was scum, and he had no business being associated with me, let alone my boyfriend. Well, that's how the angry Christians viewed it.

I didn't blame Jesus or Christianity for the actions of these angry Christians. I knew that God was perfect even though man, having a sinful nature, managed to screw up what God meant for good. At some point, I got in contact with a former youth minister's wife. I never knew her well, but her husband was the kind of Christian that I looked up to. Even though they no longer served in my church (although, it wasn't my church anymore - my membership was suspended and eventually terminated due to my sinful lifestyle), I knew they were in ministry together at another church in South Carolina. Being his wife, she probably held similar views.

This wishful thinking gave me the courage to open up to her about my life; I needed a mature, loving Christian to talk to and she was the only one within my reach, at the time. As expected, she was very understanding - she even said that she thought D (my boyfriend of the time) and I were 'the real deal'! It meant so much to have another Christian say that. She did not judge and in fact, was kind enough to share her own experiences in the early stages of dating her husband. From these conversations, I learned that she engaged in premarital sex, had mommy issues, and shared a similar frustration with those angry Christians. Not only could I relate in general, but these characteristics also set her apart from the unthinking 'bubble' Christians I was used to in my peer group - she had a 'dark past'.

Now, she was technically against premarital sex; in fact, she and her husband became 'born again virgins' at some point before they married. Of course, she gave reasons as to why it would be a good idea for my boyfriend and I to do the same. She also encouraged me to try and find a church that was 'alive' - she did not necessarily agree with my disinterest in organized religion and believed that a church alive with the true spirit of Christ was worth the search and a wonderful (and important) thing to be a part of.

Even though there were many things we didn't agree on, I enjoyed our conversations because they inspired me to look a layer deeper within myself. She didn't push anything on me and never treated me as though I were foolish or evil for questioning her words. She made points that were interesting on the surface, but it always came down to interpretation of scripture and, more importantly, whether or not the Bible was even true. Conversations involving this theme were what eventually led me into phase two: spiritual explorations.