I've decided to follow this delightfully blasphemous blog that provides, as she claims, "hottie Jesus eye candy and in-depth analysis of life before, during, and after JC and company". Given my fetish for blasphemy, I can't seem to get enough! It has also got me thinking about how certain characteristics of the xtian experience can influence fantasy-life.
Now, pictures of Jesus don't really cut it for me, personally. I think it's the lesbian in me, but it takes much more than a look at a man for me to find him appealing. I can tell what's 'dreamy' and what's 'unimpressive' as far as looks go, but not at quite the same level as other women, it seems. As for my lady-lust ... I can fall in love (the 'eros' kind) from as little as a passing glance. I found a picture through a google search of Mary Magdalene, depicted as a red-head, which served as instant fetish fuel, for example. A wealth of images began appearing in my mind. the theme: Jesus struggling so much just to control himself in the presence of such a vulnerable, voluptuous woman. The thought of the loving, well-mannered son of God becoming overwhelmed with desire is what really gets me.
This same idea, only connected to the holy man in a position of power and the 'good little Christian boy', are close seconds. In the case of 'the holy man', I fancy particularly the thought of deliberately tempting him, taking it away, and then somehow exposing his secret sinfulness to the public. This is probably a way for my mind to 'correct' some past situations of a similar flavor; I hate that even though everyone struggles, leaders can easily guilt others as they downplay or even cover up their own.
Of struggling (including but not limited to the sexual kind), as much as I hate it, I love it at the same time. In this case I'm sure it is connected directly to past sexual repression. I was taught (at a very young age) that sexual urges were something to be ashamed of (as are most fundamentalist kids). Being a very sexual person, I had to find 'ways' to vent that frustration, regardless of the guilt that I knew would follow. I got into such a pattern of pleasure and shame, that now, even as the guilt no longer applies, my mind will naturally associate Jesus to those 'sexual struggles' before anything else. My past pain is now my pleasure ...ahh, the mind protects itself in such interesting ways! ;)
While not at all shocking, I find the number of ex-Christians that share my blasphemy fetish intriguing, to say the least. Perhaps on some level it's just nice to know that I'm not alone. Religion has certainly caused a lot of trouble, but now that I'm out, I think I have its dark clutches to thank for many enriching aspects of my sexual life!