I'm a Bad Blogger and I Derserve Spanks

OHAI! It's been a while. I'm not really sure what to blog about but after stumbling across this site for the first time in over a year, re-admiring my sexy layout, and reminiscing about the freshly de-Christianed angst which inspired it, the spirits moved me. Heh heh ... 'cause I'm drunk. That was terrible and not funny and you should definitely spank me. Oh, er, no, please, don't. But if you do, please do it hard and with a slapper crop. Ahem.

Uh, ANYWAY, maybe I'll start blogging again. Who knows? I kind of want to. For the time being, I've given into the lazy world of Tumblr 'blogging'. Yes, spank me again (leather flogger, AHEM). If it's now too blasphemous of a concept, you can follow me there as well. Or just look at it. It's quite pretty. Also, porn. Lots of porn.

I'm a bad skeptic, sometimes.

So, I found myself in a funny position today on facebook.

After having been moved by the Kony 2012 video that went viral, I jumped on the bandwagon and did my tiny part by sharing. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I was not at all skeptical initially. I only became such after viewing some comments on a random blog, which mentioned it being a scam. There was some debate around IC's seemingly shady finances, but that didn't really move me. At that point, I'd assumed that people complaining about this specifically simply hadn't watched the video - because the purpose of the video was not for its viewers to donate money but rather to simply share the video to spread awareness. When it was brought to my attention that Ugandans don't want any more military action and that they feel it would do more harm than good, that's what really inspired me to dig.

I have to admit, I don't know much about politics. I mean, I facepalm at Santorum and make fun of Romney's magic underwear but my understanding of the bigger picture is ... barely there. I try my best to learn what I can, but I often find myself feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps my lack of understanding in this area is why it was so easy for me to jump on the Kony bandwagon?

Okay, back to the funny position. Before I realized how naive it was of me to jump mindlessly onto the Kony train, I saw lots of bitter negative-nancy posts poking fun at people like me who shared the video. My initial reaction was irritation, of course. It seemed to me that these people were on their 'smarter than thou' pedestals, latching onto negativity in order to feel better about themselves.

Then, I had a flashback of supposed atheist elitism. Specifically, I remembered a comment I had posted in response to Tristan Vick's article on the subject:

"I've been doing some thinking on the subject of supposed 'atheistic elitism' (having felt guilty, wondering if it applied to me or any of my atheist friends) and have come to the conclusion that since atheists tend to respect critical thinking, they put in the effort required to apply critical thinking skills to life. They don't necessarily think they are better than others, but they do believe it is better to think and question than to not think and question (uh duh). Since religion tends to affect more than just the religious (i.e. evolution kept out of schools, homosexuals kept from marriage), atheists NEED to pay attention to what religion is up to and apply their critical thinking in that area. I don't think it can be called atheistic elitism unless the atheist is emotionally attached to his/her view. "

If I apply this to how those with a better understanding of how the government works might feel about the ignorant becoming instantly passionate over a video with skewed facts, I don't think I can really blame them.

I've certainly seen some comments that were downright mean, and that, I think, is unnecessary, no matter how factual. The facts in that case are much less likely to be received by those that need them. I am generally a quiet, friendly atheist (although I can be a meanie behind closed doors ... o_o), but having been the gullible sheep in this instance gives me even more reason to present facts diplomatically. I'm not saying desire for harshness isn't understood - I can't even say that it's wrong in either case. When you have information, other people's ignorance, even if they don't mean to be ignorant, tends to be annoying. I don't even know what exactly I'm saying, to be honest. I just know that I had a weird moment where I felt like one of the Christians I constantly complain about.

As for those agitators ...

I witness a number of motivational web banners on facebook on a daily basis. Some are about hating the new timeline, some make you wanna love your friends, some are about how awesome your mother is, some are about serving the lord with your facebook, some are political, some are about respecting old people, some are about loving your kids, some are about being bold, some are about helping by doing nothing, some are about holy ejaculate, and some are fucking creepy.

One of the most popular trends of the Christian variety is an inspirational Bible verse in front of a peaceful or heartwarming picture. This is fine I guess, but peaceful and loving tends to get boring after a while. I figure, why not make use of all the creepiness, anger, and hilarity that the Bible also has to offer? I'm guessing my Christian friends must have simply forgotten about the fun and nasty verses, so when I think to myself "WTFWJD?", I can't help but to think that he would want me to remind them. After all, it's not only the warm and fuzzy pieces of the Bible which are God-breathed. It's everything from killing dem witches and bein' nice-ish to your slaves to testicle grabbing and kids getting mauled by a bear in the name of God.

If you have a favorite creepy/angry/evil/hilarious Bible verse, feel free to share in the comments!

Sex+ Questionnaire

So, I decided to fill out the Sex+ Questionnaire from the lovely Laci Green. How could I pass up an opportunity to answer 37 sexy questions?? Feel free to fill it out too; just remember, it's nice to share! ^_-

Sex+ Questionnaire For: Sarah Bee
Age: 24
Sex: Female
Location: NY, USA

Sexual Awakenings

1. How did you learn about sex?
Friends, trial and error, the internet

2. Were you able to talk about sex with your parents?
No. All they ever told me was that it was sinful outside of marriage.

3. Do you remember your first kiss?
Yes. lol I sort of surprised my boyfriend of the time because he viewed me as timid and was trying to be slow and romantic, but I jumped for that kiss!

4. Tell us about an embarrassing moment you’ve had with sexuality/a partner/etc.
There are two that come to mind first, and they both involve anal. I will only tell you one... ;) I was a liberated Christian at the time, so I wanted to protect my technical virginity but was otherwise ready to express myself sexually with my boyfriend of one year. On this exciting day, we were getting it on when suddenly, his mother pushed the door open to tell us something ... and got quite an eye full! The worst part was afterwards, when D and I had to walk past her and four friends, whom she clearly told about the experience, in order to get to the front door ... >.<

5. How old were you when you made your sexual debut? Were you ready for it?
18. I was ready on so many levels, but not confident that I was ready. It sort of just happened because we lived together at the time, but I didn't regret it one bit. The next day, I felt like a whole new person. So liberating!

Relationships

6. Are you in a romantic or sexual relationship?
Yes, both. Though, I hate the term 'romantic'. I like to think of us as best friends who fucknlove each other.

7. Would you prefer being in a relationship or being single? Why?
I honestly like many aspects of both. Ideal is a relationship where I don't feel as though I must hide my 'single-loving' tendencies. This does not mean an open relationship per se ;) but just the freedom to express my attraction to others or share my fantasies honestly, without fear of insecurity/extreme jealousy on their part.

8. Would you ever consider a polyamorous relationship?
Yes. Although I do think it’s an unlikely relationship style for me because I am easily socially exhausted.

9. Have you ever cheated on a partner?
Not technically, but I felt as though I had because my ex and and I were not over each other, yet I jumped to someone else without thinking it through.

10. What was your longest relationship? Your shortest?
Longest: 4.5 years; shortest: 1 week (Christian camp, LOL!)

11. What do you look for in a partner?
Open-mindedness, good critical thinking skills, someone I can learn from, someone who can view our relationship as a partnership, has self control, determination, likes to laugh, not easily offended. I also have a fetish for nerdiness, men with chest hair/facial hair, and/or Jesus look-alikes ... o_0

12. Do you have any “deal breakers”?
Anything opposite of the less shallow things above. Religious would most likely be a deal breaker. After 4.5 years of being someone's delicate flower, I don't think I could deal with any level of sexism either, unless they were naively so and willing to broaden their horizons.

Sexploration

13. What is your favorite way to ask for consent?
I like to lick and tease ... I'm a baddie ...

14. What is your favorite position?
I'm not sure that I have a favorite; I like switching it up more than any particular position, but I get really good results when being 'manhandled' from behind in the shower. Spoon-to-fuck is always good and I'll always have a special place in my heart for doggy style. I feel like a porn star when I'm on top ... I could go on!

15. Would you/have you had a one night stand?
I have not, but sometimes I crave it. Probably in part because I never have ...

16. What’s your favorite place to be touched by a partner?
Ears, neck, lips, shoulders, lower back, hips, ass, inner thighs, toes, ohhh... just everywhere, wheee!

17. Is there anything that you’ve wanted to try sexually but haven’t (yet)?
I have a lot of fantasies and I’m still figuring out which I would be down to try out in real life. I'm kind of interested in the idea of swinging or online fantasy play with my partner included but he is not up for it at this time.

18. Would you/have you had group sex (3+ people)?
Yes. I would again, if my partner could get into it. :)

19. Would you/have you practiced BDSM?
Yes, mildly. I wouldn't mind exploring this more ...

20. Would you/have you done role-play?
Yes.

21. What is your biggest turn on?
Connecting through the mind and then sexually. Talking on two different levels in conversation can be thrilling ... especially the initial discovery that the person is following ... :)

Subtle flirting with the eyes really gets me too, especially when combined with the above!

22. Biggest turn off?
Selfishness, arrogance, willful ignorance.

23. How often do you masturbate?
Most days.

24. What do you think is the most erotic part of your body?
My ass and my waist.

Self Love

25. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
My ability to self-question, natural curiosity, and sense of humor.

26. What’s your biggest accomplishment in the last 3 years?
Finally getting my license!

27. Tell us one goal you have for yourself.
To stop dwelling on the past and worrying about the future so that I can enjoy the present. Also, I need to work on my self confidence; I have a hard time believing in myself, particularly in my ability to learn and succeed in life. Fear still has a pretty good grip on me ... I'd like to change that. Lastly, I need to work on time management in my personal life.

28. How do you take care of yourself?
Taking time to be alone and think, singing when no one's around (therapeutic for me), working out, lucid dreaming, bonding with others, getting lost in my own fantasies or a good story, etc.

Hot Topics

29. Do you support a woman’s right to choose an abortion if she accidentally gets pregnant?
Absolutely.

30. Do you think prostitution should be legal?
I think so, but I am on the fence.

31. If you had a baby boy, would you have his foreskin removed (circumcise him)?
No.

32. Should same-sex marriage be legal?
Yes!

33. Should comprehensive sex education be given in high schools or abstinence only?
Comprehensive.

To Infinity, and Beyond

34. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I am undecided. I have a strong interest in psychology, but there is much I am inexperienced with. I may discover a new interest once in school ...

35. Do you want to get married?
Marriage doesn't really appeal to me. I don't see any sense in legalizing a relationship and have no interest in all the fluff that tends to go with a wedding. If marriage were to all of a sudden make sense financially (i.e. getting a mortgage), I'd then consider grabbing that piece of paper. lol On this, my partner and I are in full agreement!

36. Do you want to have children?
I'm not sure yet. I feel like I don't for many reasons, but I am aware that I could feel differently in the future.

37. What do you want to do for others before you die? I just want to in some way inspire open-mindedness in others the same way I have been inspired so that humanity can continue to grow and improve.

Today on facebook ...

Now, I'm not one to start trouble on facebook. Hell, I'm not even one to respond to trouble once it's been started, even though I am of the opinion that one should be prepared to take what they dish out. When it comes to my facebook friends, most of which are Christians, I pretty much allow them to freely ooze their nonsense all over my news feed. I post what I want too, but if it's too risque or controversial, I may not make it public to everyone. I think I am a giant wuss for this and certainly have more respect for those willing to post everything publicly. Still, this is not something I do in practice. I guess it's because I don't have the time or energy to deal with the drama it would likely cause. (*cough EXCUSE!)

You see, most of the Christians from my past (and present; thank you, facebook) are not the sophisticated kind. Dealing with them is often frustrating, meaningless and to be honest, depressing. Why do I have them on facebook, you ask? Well, I do have some good memories with a lot of them. Others, not so much - but I don't hate them or anything. I would feel awful mean deleting them. Yep, wuss.

So yes, my wussiness requires that I find a healthy outlet for the frustration that it is quietly taking such bullshit up the ass without as much as a yelp. Sex and blogging are good options, as far as displaced anger goes. I think it's always best, however, to attack problems head on. Diplomacy is admirable too, but I am that way far too often for it to be a good thing. For me, it tends to be an excuse to hide rather than anything respectable. Plus, being diplomatic does not have to mean staying silent, as it usually does for me. Since I usually rob myself of the opportunity to say what I mean, it was nice to stumble across the chance this morning.

See, I am a fan of a facebook page called 'Fundies Say the Darndest Things', where they expose the insanity that goes on in close-knit fundie circles. It was kind of a place for me to vent freely, until I realized that my comments are actually public to all of my friends. (thank you, news feed ticker!) Oh well. It felt great. Maybe this is the start of something beautiful! ^.^ My comment is still pretty friendly, but being freely atheist in the presence of Christians is new to me, so it feels like a big deal. I hope to find some sort of a healthy balance between the confidence express myself honestly and humble diplomacy.

Deep Throat and Swallow for Maximum Power?

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Sense of Community

Lately, I'm noticing a lot of former believers discussing the hardest part of their deconversion experience being the loss of community. I guess I am a little different in that regard.

First of all, I never felt at home in the church setting. My palms would sweat the minute I walked through the doors because I knew it meant having to greet all the adults and mingle for a bit before Sunday school started. I felt a little more at ease in my Sunday school class because I had a couple of close friends there, but I was by no means comfortable. Aside from a couple of close friends, no one really knew me. Granted, I didn't know myself either at the time - but I was, of course, unaware of that. All I knew was that I was restless and reserved.

Church was certainly not to blame for my anxiety. It was my personality and it affected all social settings, including school, weddings, parties, etc. For me, there was never anything fulfilling about traditional weddings, for example. They were chock full of things I had no interest in, such as mingling, dancing, fancy dresses, itchy panty hose, and the ritualistic aspects which often felt forced. I guess I was a strange little girl, never having once fantasized about my wedding day. In fact, when ever the thought did occur, I would dread it. I was more about the idea of true love which is supposed to inspire the wedding. I dreamed about what it would be like to find a life partner. As I got a little older, I imagined what sex would be like. The actual wedding, though, had no appeal whatsoever. Even today, the only thing I can enjoy about one is the booze (if available).

This uneasiness associated with social situations and formality even affected the activities I did enjoy, such as youth activities and missions trips. Less so, because the setting in these instances tended to be a bit more laid back and genuine, but there were moments of discomfort in these environments as well. For example, when it became time to share what was on our hearts. The spirit was supposed to be present and moving within us and the pressure to report such feelings while coming up dry was often too much to bare.

My relationship with Jesus was real but my personality did not allow for expression of that in the publicly passionate versions which often surrounded me. Of course, I didn't know that at the time. I assumed this lack of an urge to sway, cry, and hug everyone due to the power of God's love was just another indication of my sinful nature, leaving me to feel guilty and out of place. Looking back, I see that I expressed my feelings for the idea of God's love in the form of art, music, and prayer; all of which were things I did while alone. My private time was an opportunity for me to recharge. It was my relief, my time to think and reflect; In short, it was my happy place. According to psychology, this is because I lean toward introversion. Again, I didn't know any better at the time.

Anyone who knew me well as a young child could tell you that I was by no means anti-social, however. I loved to communicate with others; just not with anyone and everyone. Also, I needed some time to warm up to people. I had a warm relationship with my father, for instance, and some of his fondest memories with me (of which he reminds me whenever we are together) are the instances where I let my feisty side shine. My mother always colored this personality trait with a negative brush, calling it rebellion thus one of her nicknames for me, snippy. My father, on the other hand, encouraged this kind of behavior; not blatantly but with his positive reactions. He sent the psychological message that it was good for me to be tough and to stand up for what I think. "My Bee tells it like it is!" I can recall him saying many times. It made him happy when I was strong and vibrant.

It is pretty obvious that my father respects strong, opinionated women; my mother is certainly evidence of that. Unfortunately, being a conservative Christian, this often leads to a respect of those strong and opinionated about the silliest of things. Even dangerous, at times. I think I got the more introverted aspects of my personality from my father, who is much more reserved than I. Having sparks here and there of my mother's competitive nature, I think my father took particular notice and especially encouraged those traits. Sadly, my mother's stronger and more intimidating personality overwhelmed my father's subtle encouragement. I think this had a lot to do with my nurturing my timid side, especially the older I became.

For me, leaving behind my church family behind was indefinitely a relief. Leaving some close friends from the church behind, while having many relieving aspects, was disheartening. The relief had more to do with my inability to open up completely from the beginning. I had messed up in that regard. I was too ashamed of my own nature to question why I had this inability when in reality, my best friends should have been the first with which I discussed this. I cared about my friends, encouraged them to be open with me and accepted them no matter what --- but I did not allow them that opportunity with me. I always kept so much to myself because I was terrified of being judged. Would they have judged me? I'm really not sure - but I should have given them the chance.

It was not until I left home in order to escape the oppression of fundamental Christianity that I came to know liberated, down to earth Christians. Finally, people who saw the same flaws I did with religion. They showed me that Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship with God. All of which I bonded with over the internet, which was an easier form of communication for me. It was the sense of community that I guess most Christians get at church. The only thing holding me back was lack of a home internet connection, being able to afford only the basics. By the time I was in a better place financially with computer of my own, I was beginning to see the flaws of even a personal relationship with God, minus the religious aspect often connected. Eventually, I began to lean closer and closer an agnostic approach.

Letting go of Jesus was the most difficult part of my deconversion experience. He was someone to whom I could relate even when most of the Christians in my family and church family were against me. The truth is, I didn't understand genuine friendship until moving out and starting a fresh life for myself; one that better suited my needs and desires. I became so fixated on Jesus, I think partly because I did not get the sense of community from religious Christians. Being exposed to relationship Christians on the internet gave me a small taste of what community was like.

Today, even though I am less socially anxious, I still use the internet as a main source of communication which in turn provides a strong sense of community. As it was hard to find relationship Christians offline in the past, it is even more difficult to find fellow atheists now. They are easy to find online, and so free to open up and express themselves, as am I. To me, the fact that these connections are not happening face to face has no bearing whatsoever on how genuine they can be. In fact, some of the online friends I have come to know are closer than family to me in the sense that they know and accept the core aspects of who I am where Christian family members cannot.

It would be an added bonus, however, to meet in person. That would be difficult to turn into reality, considering distance. I also entertain this idea of an online gathering for atheist friends. A web forum, perhaps.

I often hear of Christians claiming atheists needing to gather in this way, mimicking their version of fellowship, is evidence of a spiritual craving. Of course, that's bullshit. It may very well be a spiritual craving, but not in the sense they imagine. Humans want to interact with other humans. They want to be loved, accepted and to relate to one another. Our personality helps to determine how we go about this, but we are social creatures. There is no shame in atheists gathering. In fact, I think it's far better to bond and gather with those willing to adjust their views. They not only provide spiritual comfort but also stimulate the mind.

Do you know what time it is?

Today I learned that there is a such thing as National Blasphemy Day - and I missed it by five months. Damn. Luckily, I firmly believe that all days could be spruced up with a little blasphemy here, there and everywhere.

If ya don't stand for something ...

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything".

This quote has become such a bother. Though, the quote itself is not as bad as the implications can be. After all, it is good advice to stand up for what you believe in. However, that something shouldn't be just anything. What if that something you decide to stand for is really one of those anythings you should have avoided? Should you be justified in sticking to it, despite new information that suggests otherwise?

This is why the main thing I stand firmly for is critical thinking. I aim to apply it to every aspect of life because it's really the only thing I have against bullshit, other than maybe common sense for the easy stuff. I'm not quite sure who the original quoter was or what he/she intended, but I do know that it is only my Christian friends who pass along this little gem. The popular interpretation (at least among the Jesus-happy crowd) seems to be in favor of strong, Biblical beliefs and against free thinkers who are, to them, as ungrounded as they come (not to mention slaves of satan).

In reality, free-thinkers can be quite grounded. They are so in something much more useful than a belief system based on a holy book, supposedly written by a God that can't be proven to exist, but who expects his followers to follow blindly anyway. Why would you want to ground yourself in something that can't be proven and forbids you to doubt its contents, even when it directly counters new information? Doesn't that come off as shady? It certainly would in any other context. Wouldn't it be better to ground yourself in something that would always provide assistance in avoiding traps than something that keeps you too naive care and/or too guilt-ridden to explore the potential flaws?

It is true that if you always allow emotions to be the driving force in decision making, you will go wherever the wind takes you. Perhaps the quoter was thinking along those lines? Regardless, the brain is great for keeping the heart in check -- and even though Christianity loves to insert that the Bible keeps the heart in check, in reality, it is a horrible substitute. Let the heart enrich your life, but stand for the logic and reason in order to shed light on those detrimental anythings that so many passionately yet ignorantly stand for.

I'm a Baddie

-Confession-

Even though I am etymologically justified in doing so, the driving force behind my choice of words such as 'xmas' and 'xtian' instead of 'Christmas' or 'Christian' in the presence of xtians is often to get uninformed panties in a wad.

An Excuse to Project

(Image courtesy of xPandaPopx)

I came across the following line while reading a fellow blogger's most recent post:

"I wish more religious people would take time to realize this, especially when they talk about how atheists are so disrespectful of religion."

This is exactly why I often bring up the potential dangers of the black/white mindset which Christianity is based upon and how it can be detrimental to other areas of thinking. Religion aside, it is true that anyone with a brain (literally) is at risk of projecting their own bias onto others. A catty woman, for example, may translate the timid woman's glance as a threat, ("Psh, don't be thinking you're better than me, biotch!") Perhaps the timid woman was merely attracted and wanting a peak at that ass? (guilty! >.<) This is why it's important to get in the habit of thinking outside of oneself. Impossible to do perfectly of course, but far better to make honest attempts than to settle only for the thoughts your complexes confine you to. Religion can perpetuate the problem of complexes determining what is so by excusing or even encouraging them.

Christianity, at its core, serves to separate people into two categories: sinner and saved. This perpetuates the natural human tendency to pit oneself above another and creates the guilt complex in those with a lesser desire for superiority by forcing such a mindset where it doesn't fit.

While it's true that, say, Slightly Superior Sven* is likely to struggle with a superiority complex throughout his life whether he is an Atheist or a Christian, at least with an atheistic mindset he is not chained by the soul to a particular view which excuses the superiority complex and encourages the segregation of satan's tools and children God. As an Atheist, especially if his motive for becoming such was a result of skepticism, Sven is more likely to be in the habit of questioning (or at least of thinking freely) where as Christians tend to be stuck in the pattern of thinking with their Bibles. A mind, like any other muscle, that is not exercised becomes weak.

Even if a Christian is an expert at compartmentalizing, and thus critically thinking about many aspects of life that he deems separate from religion, it is still true that he cannot apply it to Christianity if it counters a known biblical claim. So, many aspects of the black/white mentality persist. They must - or else everyone would find reason to abandon the belief system, as the core would begin to crumble!

I once knew a kindhearted Christian woman who appeared on the surface to be completely nonjudgmental. Likely, because her personality did not allow for it. She was abused as a child, depressed as a teen, and as a believer, she was fixated on God's love. At first I thought, "finally, a Christian who seems a little open-minded and understanding." Then, I participated in some religious debate with her. It was kind of a sad thing to experience because she seemed so uncomfortable admitting that those who disagree are hell bound. That wasn't the aspect of her religion that she personally latched onto. It's like, it didn't set well, but she had to accept it because it was a part of the deal. I can relate -- but I eventually did explore that doubt and broke free.

So, can a devout Christian - either kind and gentle, slightly superior, or somewhere in between - understand that they too are being disrespectful toward the Atheist? I'm honestly not sure. It seems to me that they can make small attempts. They can ignore that homosexuality is a sin, for example, if their son/daughter happens to be one in favor of saving the relationship. They can even dismiss the part of the bible that says so as 'inapplicable to the current times'. As for a core aspect of Christianity - that to be saved, you need Jesus and that the unsaved are doomed - how can you ignore that or deem it inapplicable while remaining Christian? I'm not sure they are capable of seeing their brand of discrimination as wrong. Maybe on some level, but not one that they are free to question.


*Sven just sounds like a snooty guy to me -- but I'm sure you Svens of the world are just dandy in actuality!! ^_-

Something like this ...

I think this about sums up what it's like to be brought up in fundie land when many aspects of it are not compatible with your personality. You believe because you're not yet aware that there's another option. When there are glimpses of other options, initially you still want to believe because familiarity is comfort. But ... when the zombies start swaying and crying out the name of Jesus during the slow songs at that Plus One concert, you can't deny being a little (a lotta) freaked out ... O_o

I Quite Like that Channel ...

Atheism, by definition, is " disbelief in the existence of a supreme being or beings." Religion defined is "a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects". While atheism could in fact be an aspect of a religion (ex. some Buddhists are atheists) it is not a religion in and of itself.

It's usually religious folks making this assumption but I have come across a few atheists/agnostics/I don't give a fuckers who have felt similarly - I'll get to them in a bit. It's not difficult to understand why a Christian would think this. Psychological projection comes to mind, combined with the black and white worldview that Christianity tends to confine them to.

I think Christians may have a difficult time comprehending indifference in this case; for it is one of those biblically non-existent gray areas. There really isn't much you can be apathetic toward, without the risk of downward spiraling, which a lukewarm faith can cause. Of course, the subjects in which it is "actually" okay to be lukewarm toward are cherry-picked and then denied or ignored by the individual. That is besides the point, since the whole denial thing cancels out the idea that it may okay to be somewhere in the middle thus lessening the likelihood of raising consciousness there. To them, one cannot simply disbelieve without any emotional fuel. "I love Jesus. You don't love Jesus. Therefore, you must hate Jesus" seems to be the common mindset. To be indifferent to Jesus/the idea of his love does not compute. Only a lack of understanding or knowledge of his existence are sensible explanations for such nonchalance.

Likely resulting from the (fucked up version of) love which fuels the idea behind Christianity, C.S. Lewis, for example, could only find three possibilities as to why Jesus would claim to be God (he was either "a lunatic, a liar, or who he said he was"). His reasoning completely ignores the possibility that stories of Jesus are exaggerations and that Jesus never personally claimed divinity. I doubt that Lewis was deliberately boxing his readers into a limited answer set but rather, was genuinely unaware due to passionate blindness.

In the same way that Christians tend to attach an emotion (hate/anger) to the Atheist due to their passion for God's love and the power of projection, attaching religion to Atheism comes just as naturally. Stemming from the black and white mentality that results in love/hate, sinner/saved, etc classifications, I think Atheism is viewed as the opposite of Christianity when in actuality it only opposes the general belief in god(s) - not religion in general and certainly not Christianity specifically. These things become hard to separate when one's worldview requires the lumping together of all dissenting views. While possible to peel apart, it requires more effort than it would for the open-minded free-thinker, already in the habit of thinking critically about these things and in general.

Still, while it is mostly (in my experience) Christians making the claim that Atheism is a religion, it has not always been the case. I can recall one agnostic and one 'peace monger' (he seemed to be an agnostic/atheist but actively refused to be associated with the term and called himself non-religious instead), both of whom shared the idea that Atheism is a religion.

The self-proclaimed agnostic seemed to confuse zeal for religious beliefs with the atheist's common frustration in standing against the zealots in order to takes steps toward progression and with humanitarianism in mind. This is a common mistake - one I have mentioned before and once thought to be true. The "non-religious peace monger" used the argument that since Atheists believe god(s) are not real, gather and discuss atheistic ideas, this makes it a religion. I tried to explain that by his logic, non-stamp collecting is a hobby and lack of belief does not necessarily equal belief. I also went out of my way to explain that Atheists are not confined to a specific set of rules as are members of any religion, sect or cult. He was for some reason too emotionally attached to his view, as he lashed out and didn't bother reading my explanations before dismissing them over and over. Given what I know of his personality, I am guessing either a) pride in being right for the sake of it, b) wanting desperately not to be labeled ("I am an individual with my own thoughts, I will not be classified, rawr!") or c) a bit of both. Unfortunately, pride clouds thinking whether or not it can be blamed on someone's religiosity.

At any rate, I quite like this off channel that is apparently Atheism. As for my new dye-job, I'm not quite sure how this bald color goes with my complexion ... o_0

Life without God's Love is like a Donut

Apparently, our lives are like donuts and Jesus is like ... a munchkin? I've always loved munchkins! I'm kind of a bit of a health nut these days, but I remember as a child looking forward breakfast at church. Someone would always bring something good - sometimes it was coffee cake, other times, muffins. Most often, however, it would be a box of donuts, considering the local Dunkin Donuts happened to be right across the street. Munchkins were bought typically for the youngsters, but they were always my personal favorites.

I think munchkins are special because they are the shape of fun - sweet little balls of dough joy! The original donut is also fun in its own right, being round as well with a happy little hole in the center. What separates typical donuts from the kinds with cream or jelly filling and other pastries is the hole. That hole is what makes the donut awesome! The dough ball from which the hole was created would be no fun at all had it never been removed!

What I make of the donut/life analogy: if you want to have fun with life, remove Jesus and eat him separately. (^_-)

So, about the 'hole in the middle of our hearts' ...? I say, what of it? Jesus won't fill that hole unless you really want him to. For some people, art fills that hole. For others, music. There is always more than just one hole, too.

Christians, don't kid yourselves - filling it with the idea of supernatural love instead of that unsatisfying worldly stuff does not set you apart. It makes you the same as everyone else, only with the addition of an inflated ego to go along with your choice of filling. Not to mention the ultimate denial of that ego, as you hide behind the idea of a supernatural god, expressing your own fear and desire in the form of his love or judgement.

No matter what you fill your hole with, there will always be another. When you fill it with God, it just becomes natural to believe that future holes are simply 'moments of weakness'. You fill it with the same old stuff after each weak moment and it becomes a comfortable pattern for you.

It may feel nice to be comfy cozy, but you can't make a discovery unless you test your limits. For that, you must go out and explore. You may feel at times as though you are in fact exploring, but 'journeying' while locked inside the same frame of mind is kind of like painting the walls or rearranging the furniture. To journey, you must be willing to think outside the box your mind urges you to stay within.

There is always something new to learn about yourself within these holes and the possibilities are endless. Holes are naturally scary - we just can't stand the idea of not knowing what 's at that bottom. On some level, we'd all rather rely on a satisfying idea that has no evidence than go through life not knowing the answer or if we'll ever figure it out for sure. Where would we be as a whole if everyone gave into this fear? Isaac Newton, Einstein, Christoper Columbus (even if he was an asshole, he did question and crush a set belief) and even the evil Darwin?

It is only natural to be a little uncomfortable or even scared of these gaps in our understanding. It's a sad thing to let that fear rule your life and even sadder to try and push it onto others. To then view anyone for expressing a curiosity and willingness to face the world as inferior seems to be the next step, which is just backwards and quite simply, bullying. Why all of that? If you stick with the uncomfortable stuff and face the scary feelings, the journey can be fun and discoveries, deeply satisfying. No, it doesn't soothe your fear or your ego, but if you wait it out it can do so much more!

I don't know about you, but I am at peace with my holes - and that's without Jesus!

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

The actual Easter card I received from my parents this year was refreshingly simple and surprisingly non-religious. What was inside is another story, but I'll get to that in a bit. Thankfully, the days where I'm bombarded with letters/notes/cards, on about a monthly basis, packed full of constant reminders of how sinful I am are long behind me. Still, holiday cards are almost always an excuse to 'remind me of my roots' - you know, because I'm likely to forget 18 years of emotional abuse via fundamental Christianity now that I live nearly 200 miles away from it. Never-mind the 'godly-residue' that still lingers in the crevices of my brain that I just can't seem to reach enough to scrub clean! ^_-

For the sake of optimism, I must emphasize that these little attempts to remind are are far better than those old 'wall-of-death' style paragraphs about how nothing good can come from such a sinful path as mine but that when I'm ready to repent, I'd will be welcomed back with open arms. (do you feel the love? I do!) Yes, I was even referred to as the 'prodigal daughter' for that ordeal. ^_^

I suppose I can tolerate being subtly poked with 'creationism', as the 'surprise' in my Easter card was (are ya ready for this?!) a map of the Creation Museum my parents had traveled over 500 miles to visit at some point last week. A map, I suppose, to show how wonderful and respected the place was (in past e-mails, as this museum trip had been mentioned to some degree in each of the 7 most recent messages, it was especially emphasized how this place was 'growing' and at such an alarming rate) and a business card containing the link to 'Answers in Genesis', I guess to show me (or remind me, rather) just how 'factual' the concept of creationism 'really is'. (Ugh, certain 'chick tracks' we used to have lying around the house come to mind ...)

Oh, how I have certainly not forgotten! (I wish I were that lucky!) In fact, even as I'd left Christianity years ago, I've only just begun to learn the very basics of evolution. (Special thanks to Jerry Coyne and the analyst for suggesting him!) Having been home-schooled for all of high-school, I'd never been exposed to the theory. All I 'knew' was that it was 'silly', 'evil', and of course, 'completely false'. In fact, I can even remember being a child of 7 or so, watching a science channel on tv with my father. Whenever they would mention the earth being millions of years old, he'd yell 'faaaaaaalse!" loudly at the television in the silly voice he always used when making fun of evolutionists. This eventually became my own reflex as well, as I looked up to him very much.

When I was quite a bit older and dating my 'unchurched' boyfriend of the time, my dad had him watch a sickening evolutionist/creationist debate (Moody Science Films) with us, where the evolutionist was made to be a complete dumbass against the star creationist, who was a little too good to be true, to put it mildly. If only I could re-watch that video now (not really), it'd surely irk me more, being a bit more knowledgeable of the subject. Still, even as a sheltered 16-year-old, I could easily spot the 'unfairness' of the situation, as well as sense that some things were a bit 'off' even if I couldn't quite put my finger on them. Of course I denied it at the time, but it's nice to know that my BS detector was at least doing its job!

For now, I choose to ignore any comments from my parents about creation/evolution. We are only in contact via e-mail, so it's not terribly difficult to respond only to the parts I feel like responding to while simply ignoring the absurd. It's not really a subject I am ready to confront them on anyway. People only resist facts so strongly in favor of bullshit when they have a strong reason to - even if it's an awful reason like the fear of reality. I don't intend to change their minds, partly because I don't think I ever could. Every time they nudge me with their delusional worldview, I recall many things: the stupid christian science films, the chick tracks, e.e. (evangelism explosion), bible camp, and other various headaches from my past. Most importantly though, I am reminded of my decision to leave and am thankful for the freedom I now have to explore this intriguing world without fear.

I do just wish, however, that the money going into this museum's life-size replica of Noah's Ark could go to something a little more important ... or at the very least, something less insane!

Jesus Loves Bukake!

I may have kicked Jesus out of my soul (Okay, maybe not kicked, exactly ... fear of change kept me pretty gentle and patient for that ordeal! ^_-) but the holy spirit can come on me any time he likes. Sadly, I doubt he ever will - I'm not exactly the type of gal he'd want to give a facial to. While I do have a submissive streak about me, it's not prominent enough to satisfy his bukake cravings. Nah, I think I'm more the type he likes to 'watch'!

In all seriousness (sort of), even back when Jesus was my personal soul-dweller, I never felt his power deep within. I had faith that it was pure truth even when some things didn't make sense, but I could never get to quite the level of many of my friends, some of whom would practically cream their panties over the power of his love. Why them and not I? Some say it's because I was never truly saved, which is apparently the only way to explain my leaving the light ("once saved, always saved", they say!) It's what they have to believe, I guess, in order to justify their precious bullshit: "If it didn't fulfill her too, it must not be for everyone. WAIT NO, SCARY EASTERN PHILOSOPHY, LALALA, THAT CAN'T BE IT!" *ahem* but that's a rant for another day!

Anyway, I was sure there must be something wrong with me, that I wasn't a good enough Christian, perhaps. Was I not praying enough? Was I masturbating too much!? Fellow Christians certainly never said anything to deter me from such a degrading line of thought. I was never good enough. No one was though - it's just that they were more okay with that idea than I ever was. I did accept it for sure, but in me it set off the bullshit alarm that I'd always ignored, fearing that such an exploration would lead me astray (which it did indeed, and thankfully so)!

It didn't even cross my mind, at the time, that maybe I was simply less emotional than some of my friends. I was also more inquisitive, which is a trait I have come to respect, both in myself and in others. Unfortunately, back then it served only as another guilt trigger - what a shame! If I decide to put my baby maker to use one day, I will be sure to help nourish such wonderful traits in my own children - there's certainly no shame in wanting to make sense of your world!

I came alive the day that I left God and all of his baggage behind. I thrive on the freedom to explore my own thoughts rather than ignore or hide from them, and I am more than okay with that now. While I know the Jesus juice can be a powerful drug for some, I'd rather live life sober. A little blasphemy is a nice high to spice things up now and again, but where it counts, knowledge is power!

Come to think of it, maybe there is some Jesus bukake in my future. I'd resist of course, so it'd have to be bondage style, yeaaa that would teach me! hmm ... sounds more like a job for his dad ... :)

The Transition: Part 1

I can split into three phases, my gradual transition into agnosticism/atheism. For this post, I will be focusing on the first phase, which was liberal Christianity. In Liberal Christianity, I had decided that the angry Christians (those that focused more on sin, judging others, and seemed to have a fetish for the Old Testament) were going about it wrong, but that the message Jesus brought to the world was beautiful and real. In this phase, I sought connections with loving Christians; those whose personalities mirrored my idea of who Jesus was.

One Christian in particular was there for me when the angry Christians really had me down (I'll get to her in a moment). With them, emphasis was always on my sin. I was a terrible witness for living with my boyfriend, as new believers could become confused by this, thinking premarital sex was okay. Next thing I know, it is thoroughly assumed that I am indeed having sex (which I eventually chose to do, but was not in the midst of all the assumptions) According to my highly respected uncle, a 70-something "graduate of Bible college who had been preaching for 40 years, many more years of experience than I had", God was probably going to give me cervical cancer for my sexual immorality. I might also die young for having dishonored my parents (it's all in the book).

Did anyone care that I was in a beautiful relationship with a man that I loved with all of my heart? Did anyone care that in spite of his depressing childhood, he came out strong, sane, and caring? Did anyone even care to get to know him? No - apparently, his background was more important than all of that. He was 'unchurched' (I don't even know if that's a word) and his family didn't have a lot of money. Even when he showed interest in being born again, he still was not accepted by these types. My mother had her eyes set on pastor's sons and missionaries. This guy was scum, and he had no business being associated with me, let alone my boyfriend. Well, that's how the angry Christians viewed it.

I didn't blame Jesus or Christianity for the actions of these angry Christians. I knew that God was perfect even though man, having a sinful nature, managed to screw up what God meant for good. At some point, I got in contact with a former youth minister's wife. I never knew her well, but her husband was the kind of Christian that I looked up to. Even though they no longer served in my church (although, it wasn't my church anymore - my membership was suspended and eventually terminated due to my sinful lifestyle), I knew they were in ministry together at another church in South Carolina. Being his wife, she probably held similar views.

This wishful thinking gave me the courage to open up to her about my life; I needed a mature, loving Christian to talk to and she was the only one within my reach, at the time. As expected, she was very understanding - she even said that she thought D (my boyfriend of the time) and I were 'the real deal'! It meant so much to have another Christian say that. She did not judge and in fact, was kind enough to share her own experiences in the early stages of dating her husband. From these conversations, I learned that she engaged in premarital sex, had mommy issues, and shared a similar frustration with those angry Christians. Not only could I relate in general, but these characteristics also set her apart from the unthinking 'bubble' Christians I was used to in my peer group - she had a 'dark past'.

Now, she was technically against premarital sex; in fact, she and her husband became 'born again virgins' at some point before they married. Of course, she gave reasons as to why it would be a good idea for my boyfriend and I to do the same. She also encouraged me to try and find a church that was 'alive' - she did not necessarily agree with my disinterest in organized religion and believed that a church alive with the true spirit of Christ was worth the search and a wonderful (and important) thing to be a part of.

Even though there were many things we didn't agree on, I enjoyed our conversations because they inspired me to look a layer deeper within myself. She didn't push anything on me and never treated me as though I were foolish or evil for questioning her words. She made points that were interesting on the surface, but it always came down to interpretation of scripture and, more importantly, whether or not the Bible was even true. Conversations involving this theme were what eventually led me into phase two: spiritual explorations.

Atheism is a Scary Word!

As of now, I do not believe in any gods, or an afterlife. At the same time, I don't think anyone can know can know any of these things for sure. This makes me an Agnostic Atheist. I secretly hope reincarnation is true, but recognize this as an after-life fantasy, one to ease the fear of death. While it's fun to think about from time to time, I could never in good conscience obsess over it. I like to be comfortable, but I think it's only possible to progress when the mind is out of its comfort zone. As much as I love comfort (and ohhh, I reeeally do!), progression is better in the long run and must be my top priority.

I've considered myself, both publicly and personally, more strongly agnostic than atheist, even sometimes denying the atheism all together; lately, I have been wondering why. So far, I've concluded a couple of things. First is that I am, on some level, afraid to fully consider myself an atheist. I am more afraid to admit it to others than I am to myself, but there is discomfort to be found in both instances.

Why would I be afraid when I know what atheism is? It seems silly on the surface. I know that atheists are not 'Ebeneezer Scrooges', bitter and angry at God', as implied by many of the Christians in my past. I know what it's like to think from a Christian mindset - and that from that point of view, it's difficult or even impossible to step outside of oneself enough to realize: just because you love God, it does not mean that someone who refuses to share that passion is simply angry at your God. The possibility does not come to mind that one could be indifferent toward a supposed God while frustrated with the negative effects of a strong belief in such a being. This is a benefit to the logical position: it does not have to get in the way of an emotional view, but it allows one to see beyond it, if needed (and it's always a good practice to analyze emotions). Even the more logical Christian (yes, they do exist), while able to analyze other aspects of his/her life, must turn off the brain in the area of (his/her) religion, in light of the faith requirement.

As a Christian, I did also notice the anger toward Christianity among atheists which, in my mind at the time, justified the 'angry atheist' argument. Now, I know (from my own experience as well as examples from others') that it's not God they have a problem with. I'm sure there are rebellious teenagers (for example) out there, going through anti-God phases, claiming atheism, the most opposing view they can find -- but that's irrelevant, considering the true definition (of atheism). I am sure, however, that when such individuals are welcomed back into the church, it only confirms to the Christian that the 'anger' theory is correct.

No - an atheist's anger is not toward God, or even toward Christian/religious individuals (usually). Their anger is more often concerning religion in general, because of how it is affecting humanity as a whole. The fact of the matter is that atheism is the logical position; it is irrational to believe in God; especially with such a fiery passion. Christianity on the other hand feeds on human emotion. Free-thinkers must aggressively fight for progression because there are still people out there, too afraid of reality and change, to abandon ideas that no longer apply. It is frustrating, to say the least, for the those involved in the effort to update the laws/views in light of what we now know. We can't move forward because the majority still refuses to look past their own comforts and feelings enough to adapt and improve.

This brings me back to the main question: why am I still afraid of the term (atheist)? Even though I am more concerned with progression and that the fact that we can't know anything for sure about the 'supernatural' (so why obsess?), it is still true that I don't believe in a God/gods. That means, however weak or strong, I am an ATHEIST! I think awareness of the misconceptions of atheism (having been so heavily exposed to them) is the main reason behind the natural tendency to avoid being associated with the term. The better solution would be to stand up for what the word really means, and to clear up any misconceptions that pop up along the way. That would require of me a willingness to defeat my inner wimp; the scared little Christian girl who avoids confrontation at all costs. It would mean getting out of my comfort zone, the very thing I claim to stand for.

Another reason (in conjunction with the former) I consider is that the misrepresented idea toward atheism was so ingrained, certain negative associations to the term still linger fruitlessly, much like the irrational guilt that I also deal with, despite all knowledge gained.

It's such an odd experience - living most of my life with a delusional view of the world, knowing nothing else ... and then gradually learning to break away, seeing what the bubble looks like from the outside. I do like that I have two different perspectives on the matter, but at the same time, it's been hard on my mind. The mind loves its comforts. It craves what's known and what's familiar. It can even bury memories that it would rather not deal with. In such a case, it could be a lot of work to bring them to the surface, but psychologists know that sometimes it is what's needed in order for the patient to heal and grow in a better direction. I think of how hard it is for ME, someone desperately trying (and struggling every step of the way) to fight MYSELF, and all of the instincts that get in the way of progression; just to think, at the very same time, there are millions of people fighting to justify these fears, giving them positive names, tying them with pretty little ribbons, and even selling them ... well, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Bottom line: I need to beat this fear! I am no longer blinded by 'the light'; there's no excuse. Staying silent, denying truths ... I think it makes me just as bad or worse than the Christians I speak against.

Jesus, Fill My Soul-Hole!

I've decided to follow this delightfully blasphemous blog that provides, as she claims, "hottie Jesus eye candy and in-depth analysis of life before, during, and after JC and company". Given my fetish for blasphemy, I can't seem to get enough! It has also got me thinking about how certain characteristics of the xtian experience can influence fantasy-life.

Now, pictures of Jesus don't really cut it for me, personally. I think it's the lesbian in me, but it takes much more than a look at a man for me to find him appealing. I can tell what's 'dreamy' and what's 'unimpressive' as far as looks go, but not at quite the same level as other women, it seems. As for my lady-lust ... I can fall in love (the 'eros' kind) from as little as a passing glance. I found a picture through a google search of Mary Magdalene, depicted as a red-head, which served as instant fetish fuel, for example. A wealth of images began appearing in my mind. the theme: Jesus struggling so much just to control himself in the presence of such a vulnerable, voluptuous woman. The thought of the loving, well-mannered son of God becoming overwhelmed with desire is what really gets me.

This same idea, only connected to the holy man in a position of power and the 'good little Christian boy', are close seconds. In the case of 'the holy man', I fancy particularly the thought of deliberately tempting him, taking it away, and then somehow exposing his secret sinfulness to the public. This is probably a way for my mind to 'correct' some past situations of a similar flavor; I hate that even though everyone struggles, leaders can easily guilt others as they downplay or even cover up their own.

Of struggling (including but not limited to the sexual kind), as much as I hate it, I love it at the same time. In this case I'm sure it is connected directly to past sexual repression. I was taught (at a very young age) that sexual urges were something to be ashamed of (as are most fundamentalist kids). Being a very sexual person, I had to find 'ways' to vent that frustration, regardless of the guilt that I knew would follow. I got into such a pattern of pleasure and shame, that now, even as the guilt no longer applies, my mind will naturally associate Jesus to those 'sexual struggles' before anything else. My past pain is now my pleasure ...ahh, the mind protects itself in such interesting ways! ;)

While not at all shocking, I find the number of ex-Christians that share my blasphemy fetish intriguing, to say the least. Perhaps on some level it's just nice to know that I'm not alone. Religion has certainly caused a lot of trouble, but now that I'm out, I think I have its dark clutches to thank for many enriching aspects of my sexual life!

Relationships with Xtians? o_0

I've recently been thinking of former Xtian friends. (I say former, but they are still 'friends' on facebook. I am actually a bit torn as to whether or not I'd like to change that, but I'll save that rant for another day!) I should mention that I am well past the pain I'd felt years ago for having left these friends behind, but the relationship I aim to maintain with my father has got me wondering how far it can really go. This all has led to the re-evaluation of friendships with Xtians of the past. One in particular, we'll call her Jovie, was undeniably one of the best friends I've ever had.

A little background information: It has always been a struggle for me to open up to people, likely due to the many 'sinful' urges I'd always felt pressured into holding back (sexuality of course, but in this case: the urge to doubt, to question, and to think for myself). Now, there were some Xtians I can recall that were stuffy or even downright mean to anyone who dared to question, blatantly viewing them as inferior/sinful. I must also remember those that made an effort to, at the very least, appear understanding as they attempted to ease the doubts or even understand. While I appreciate the kinder approaches of these individuals (obviously having sense enough know, at least on some buried level, that questioning is not in fact evil), there is no getting around that a 'child-like faith' is what is most highly praised in the Bible, as the term 'doubting Thomas' has definite negative connotations in Xtian circles.

That said, I'd always refrained from opening up even to close friends about certain things, because of the fear that they might judge harshly. Obviously, I'm speaking of religious concerns, but it went deeper than that; this fear infected the core of my being. Not only was I nervous of doubts concerning God/Jesus/the Bible/Xtians, but I became uneasy whenever I had an opinion of my own. I still spoke up from time to time within the home, if it was a non-religious differing opinion (although, my parents found ways to apply religion to everything, as 'good' Xtians often do), but that was linked to the knowledge that I may never be 'acceptable' by my mother's standards. I'd learned that early on and gradually became more and more concerned with finding acceptance outside of the home. I don't think it would be fair to blame religion entirely for my wimpish tendencies. I do however think the supposed 'positive' aspects of religion never did appeal to my personality type while the negative ones latched onto the insecurities connected to my timid nature, and fed on them like a leech.

Back on topic: I met Jovie at church, the only place I was encouraged (and eventually the only place I was permitted) to engage in social interaction aside from family, Xtian events, and acceptable extended family. We clicked on many 'important' levels (spiritual included, at the time), but more importantly an intellectual one, which was new for me. My other 'close' friends of the time had either taken it to such a shallow level that they may as well have been 'of the world' or they were more emotional than logical (not the brightest crayons...) thusly using religion as more of an emotional high. Jovie was not overly emotional and was in fact level-headed and rather bright. She took her faith seriously, but didn't get on weird levels with it the way another friend of mine did (Jesus orgasm, anyone?). She was far more bubbly than I, more confident and outgoing while also less questioning and a bit less imaginative. However, we thought on such similar levels and in such similar ways, which made me feel more connected to her than any other friend. All in all, I felt as though we balanced each other out quite nicely.

Could I have still been friends with her today? Could we still connect the way we used to, even as I want nothing anymore to do with religion? For me, the intellectual aspects of our conversations meant far more than the 'spiritual', which I, even as a serious Xtian, could never feel deeply to begin with (it was always rather forced). I can never know because I chose to assume that our friendship could not continue and acted accordingly. I'd already concluded that she could not handle the changes in me, and kept contact light and shallow until there was nothing left. It hurt, and I knew that I was hurting her too, but decided it was for the best. I robbed her the opportunity to try and understand. Maybe I was right. Perhaps one of the biggest connectors in her mind was in fact the 'spiritual' one. That certainly is often the case, and the reason behind the former fundamentalist's struggle associated with 'loss of community'. Still, I should not have chosen for her. Could I have been the one to provoke within in her the need to question, even her beliefs? She may not have had reason to doubt (she was not as abused by religion as was I, and we are prone only to change what we can tell affects us negatively) but she certainly had the capacity to see from another angle, if needed. I know that I made a mistake, but this is much more a lesson learned than a regret.

Even though I know it is important to give people a fair chance (those who have earned it, that is), I am still a bit uncertain as to how to handle certain quirks within the Atheist/Christian relationship. Should I really have the Creationism vs Evolution debate with my father, even though he, based on information slipped from our conversations, wants so desperately to believe that the nice things in the Bible are true? I'm not so sure about my mother, but I know that my dad genuinely loves me as his "feisty" (yes, as timid as I am, every so often my inner 'whipper-snapper' comes to surface) daughter and that nothing could change that. Still, the core of his belief system requires him to look at people through those black and white "believer-or-non-believer" lenses. This suggests a superiority complex, whether subtle or strong. Would this not get in the way of having a healthy relationship? I think as to what extent depends on one's personality (i.e. my mother is emotional and eccentric, so it gets in the way much more with us. My dad on the other hand is calm and level-headed). Still, it is just unfortunate that something as worthless as an outdated, fear-based mindset gets in the way at all.